Librarian by Day....and at Night

I love reading...and i'm not just satying that!

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Santa and Supervisor

I’m tired of being ignored when I keep requesting a laptop.

Santa hasn’t answered any of my letters.

My supervisor hasn’t replied to any of my emails.

It’s time to try a different path.

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Ideal Protein  - the Official Weigh In

When I weigh myself at home, it’s first thing in the morning (dehydrated and empty stomach) and naked.

Neither of those are realistic options for the Ideal Protein weigh in….but I don’t care where I am I am *not* getting weighed wearing shoes.

I step on the scale.

Coach: Are you going to wear those?

<I look down and see that I’ve already taken off my flip flops>

Coach: Those…

<I see that she’s pointing at my head.>

Coach: Your earrings.

<WTF?!?!>

Me: It’s easier to keep them on. I was wearing them for my initial weigh-in.

Coach: Hmmmm

I’m not sure what she’s writing,  but I see that it’s 3 paragraphs.

Earrings? Really? I’m not trying to make a weigh category in high school wrestling. My earrings are beautiful, but not about to make any huge difference in my weight.

I don’t want to be difficult, so when she asks I *do* take off my watch.

Filed under Ideal protein

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Hello My Name is..

I’m getting ready to issue a woman a new library card…and I notice her name on her driver’s licence.

Me: My name is Vanessa too!

Her: Really?

<I’d like to think there are better things to lie about, especially because I’m wearing city issued photo ID that shows my picture and name. I show her my ID.>

Her: Sweet! I haven’t bumped into another Vanessa in years!

Me: Me too! High Five Vanessa!

<We high five, it seemed an appropriate way to celebrate the moment. My co-worker is looking at me like I’ve lost touch with reality.>

Me: My co-worker is Jennifer.

The other Vanessa: Hmmmm. I’m not surprised.

 After the other Vanessa leaves I have to explain to Jen, what has just happened.

When you rarely meet someone with your name it’s a pretty cool moment…when you have one of the most common names for a generation you don’t have the same experience.

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Ideal Protein - Cheating

In Stage Four (which I’m hoping to hit by the end of the year) you are allowed one cheat day/week*

I am one week into Stage One.

HAD to go out to dinner with the book+dinner+movie group. I picked the book! I picked the type of food! I picked the day and time!

We had Indian food. I had curry chicken (a mountain of rice, an ocean of curry sauce, half a chicken and a piece of  naan bread the size of a dinner plate.)

I did *NOT* eat anything at the movie theater.

I was warned to expect a set-back.

I lost 0.3 pounds between Wed-Fri. I’m calling not gaining weight a win. WIN!

I’m back on my 2 packets of food, one snack, 4 cups of vegetable and one piece of protein diet. But I’m feeling focused (carbs I have missed you!) and ready for the month ahead….and thrilled with the promise of next month’s dinner. 

*The day after cheating is back to strict eating, which diminishes the feeling of fun the day before.

Filed under Ideal protein

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Straight From the Source

EMT: We don’t check underwear, but it’s always appreciated if you are wearing it. I’ve already seen more than I want to see; please don’t add to it.

So, if you’re in an accident no one is especially concerned about the cleanliness of your underwear. 

One less thing to worry about on the “If you’re in an accident…” checklist.

I hope this isn’t the only thing I learn in all day PowerPoint workshop.

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Ideal Protein

Day 5

I’ve lost 3.5 pounds!!!!! Yes, it’s all water but I’m not feeling too picky at this point. I’ve decided to enjoy this moment. This is the good news.

The bad news:

  • The initial investment of consultation, vitamins/supplements/food makes this $85.72/pound.WTF???  Thankfully the price/pound will go down because the consultation is behind me, I buy vitamins once/month and some less frequently than that, I’ll be eating fewer packets off food i.e. 3 /day instead of 4/day.
  • This taking hungry to a new level. HUNGRY!!!! I’m missing all of my favorite foods including all the thirst quenching deliciousness of various Coca-Cola products.
  • The “restricted” foods that I’ve tried have all been great. I’ve thrown out several of the unrestricted foods because they were too vile to eat….which isn’t helping the hungry thing.
  • A  packet of food plus 200ml of water (1 cup=250 ml) doesn’t even touch the sides…which isn’t helping the hungry thing.
  • I’m turning into a food obsessed nutter who can only eat her own “food” and will be saying “no thank you” to a piece of Cheryl’s going away cake.
  • I’m having 8 ounces of protein and 2 cups of vegetables for my birthday dinner. I might go all out and have a restricted vegetable to celebrate. I need to save my cheat meal of the month (yes, less than a week in I’m already planning  on cheating) for the book/movie group meeting. The group’s leader can’t skip the dinner.  We are having Indian food and my mountain of rice, will be a mountain.
  • I can’t stop thinking about food. I am currently desperate for peach pie. I have never had peach  pie, but because in this stage there is no fruit or pastry, I get an empty plate and fork.
  • I am tired, grouchy and hungry. This is me at my worst.  The ketosis phase will be starting soon, I hope, but until then it’s suffer.

Thank god I’m telling everyone about this diet…now I have to stick with it. I just hope it keeps working.

Filed under ideal protein weight loss

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Weeding Based on Circ

Man: Which Germany won the World Cup?

Me: Excuse me?

Man: The big one or the little one.

<I am totally lost.>

 Ooooooh!

He seems ok with the news when I tell him there’s only one Germany.

I’m not sure which surprises me more….that he didn’t know they had reunified or that we had a book old enough that there were still two.

So much for us *always* being better than the internet.

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Things have gotten scarier…

When I smoked in high school cigarrette pakages had a small warning label warning that cigarette may lead to cancer OR may lead to emphysema  OR might cause low birth rate in pregnant women.

Apparently they’ve decided to bring out the big guns since then. Hmmm.

My sister and I try to decide if she’s being  compensated for her story. We’re not sure.

Filed under smoking

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For everyone else?

It’s a beautiful statement in a lovely font, but the placement has me curious…..if you can’t see it/can’t read it in the mirror, who is this tattoo for.

My tattoos are for me. What I cannot see, I can see in a mirror. They are on  my body 24/7 not just for when other people can see them. This is part of the reason why I only have one written word* tattoo. A tattoo is either easy for the wearer to see or everyone else, it’s rarely both.

I have one above  my left ankle….and falls under the a dictionary + tattoo artist who knows nothing about  traditional/simplified Chinese + almost, but not quite sober woman making impulsive decision =  old sister not older sister.

Filed under tattoos

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Booby Trapper

Booby Trapper? Somewhere out there a 13 year-old boy heard this and went from Oooooooh to Oh in a heartbeat.

A strange name for sure.

Is this the kind of thing that goes on a baby registry?

It sounds like something that could be bought at a toy store for children (Toys R Us) or for adults (at an “adult store”.)

image

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Mid-life Crisis Check List

  • Half-marathon - number one completed, number two this fall. Being able to say I’ve done a FEW half-marathonS in progress
  • Skydiving - Deposit paid….jumping…falling out of the plane attached to a stranger….August 16th
  • Lose weight - purchased stuff and starting “Ideal Protein” tomorrow.
  • Learn to drive an 18 wheeler - appointment at truck driving school tomorrow….I just want to learn how to shift gears, and they have a  ”shifting simulator” that might make this work.

On the to-do list;

  • Visit the Anne Frank House
  • Buy condo
  • Buy expensive Mercedes…expensive is being redundant
  • Fall in love and marry the man of my dreams*
  • tell Ian McEwan that he is my most favoritest author in the whole world and that I  luuuuuuved On Chesil Beach
  • Try a tri - cause a woman who hasn’t ridden a real (not stationary) bike in 20 years, and swimming (not including up to the swim-up bar) even longer and who runs horribly isn’t ready for a “real” triathlon.
  • etc

* Sadly, Jason Bateman is already married but dreams are meant to be flexible

Filed under midlife crisis skydiving half marathon