In last night’s dream I was on a picnic eating a turkey sandwich with Nick Cannon*.
He was right, the cranberry mayo was a nice touch.
I don’t like mayo…except for tuna sandwiches.
If I could control my dreams, he is not who I would be dreaming about….and we wouldn’t be eating turkey sandwiches.
*How do I know who Nick Cannon is? I’ve seen him on the cover picture with Mariah Carey…apparently their marriage is in trouble.
Honey Bunny loves a nice morning cuddle.
Things start quietly and then the gloves, if he wore them, come off.
I’m going to burrow my head under your hand…and now that your hand is resting on my head you can pet me.
I’m going to tap the back of your hand to get your attention…and now you can pet me.
I’m going to head butt you…now that you’re moved your arm you can pet me.
I’m going to smack you (aren’t you glad, someone one, not you, had me declawed?)….now that you’ve moved your hand to push me away you can pet me.
I’m going to wipe my cool moist nose along the back of your arm. Ah, now that I have your attention you can pet me.
If this doesn’t work….begin again at step one…but with loud I’m-being-tortured howling.
I’m addicted to the game.
I’m only saving grace is that I have *not* paid anything to play. No extra anything for me.
I’d stop…but I’m a B List Celebrity. B List!
When I tell people I “rarely” watch TV I neglect to mention that this is what I’m not…and not working on a cure of cancer.
The idea started with a taste test for different types of pickle chips….I had no idea there were so many different varieties!
Then we added pickles. Pickle dip. Pickle Crispers.
They are a real thing! I didn’t invent them. It’s true that you can find anything on Google. I was too lazy for the recipe, so I used white cake mix, replaced the water with liquid from the pickle jar and diced small pieces of pickle to add to the batter.
OMG! Pickles should not go into the oven. Three days later and I can finally turn the fan over the stove off.
They look like regular, albeit baked by someone who should not be left unattended in the kitchen, cupcakes.
Do not try this at home. Really. Don’t.
I can’t imagine ever being hungry enough for this to be a good idea.
Hopefully next month’s Lemon will be a better fit…or someone can make dessert.
At the grocery store this morning, I saw a car with four older (Ok, they looked very very old) women, leaving. The driver narrowly missed the cart corral and went over the curb before heading towards the street in the middle of the lane.
I’ve been thinking about them for a few hours now.
If she is the “Chauffer” for the others, does this mean that she’s the best driver? What are the driving skills of the other three?” Best case scenario she was the only person who’d pass the breathalyser and she doesn’t normally do the driving. Worst case scenario she is the *best* driver.
And my sister wonders why I never park close to the entrance when I go shopping.
Not something I would put on my car…but definitely made me laugh.
I hope that the Patron Saint of Technology has an assistant. Maybe it’s a new career for Mr Steve Jobs? Someone has to be saving cell phones….for every cell phone that falls into the toilet there are hundreds that hit the floor.
I think this is what the small travel packs of Lysol wipes are for…if there are people out there who are picking their phone off a bathroom floor (especially public!) and then pressing it again their *face* they are braver than I am! Or crazy.
My phone hit the floor this morning…thankfully in the staff washroom. My sigh of relief probably felt like a small breeze would have blown down the house of straw *and* sticks at the same time.
There has to be a market out there for cell phone chains! If motorcycle club (gang?) members know that you can’t just put your wallet in your pocket without securing it, there should be a parallel for phones. Oh, a Christmas present idea! I’ve always wanted to be a “Finished my Christmas present shopping *before* Dec 23rd” type of person and this could be the first step towards that!
I’m tired of being ignored when I keep requesting a laptop.
Santa hasn’t answered any of my letters.
My supervisor hasn’t replied to any of my emails.
It’s time to try a different path.
Ideal Protein - the Official Weigh In
When I weigh myself at home, it’s first thing in the morning (dehydrated and empty stomach) and naked.
Neither of those are realistic options for the Ideal Protein weigh in….but I don’t care where I am I am *not* getting weighed wearing shoes.
I step on the scale.
Coach: Are you going to wear those?
<I look down and see that I’ve already taken off my flip flops>
<I see that she’s pointing at my head.>
Coach: Your earrings.
Me: It’s easier to keep them on. I was wearing them for my initial weigh-in.
I’m not sure what she’s writing, but I see that it’s 3 paragraphs.
Earrings? Really? I’m not trying to make a weigh category in high school wrestling. My earrings are beautiful, but not about to make any huge difference in my weight.
I don’t want to be difficult, so when she asks I *do* take off my watch.
I’m getting ready to issue a woman a new library card…and I notice her name on her driver’s licence.
Me: My name is Vanessa too!
<I’d like to think there are better things to lie about, especially because I’m wearing city issued photo ID that shows my picture and name. I show her my ID.>
Her: Sweet! I haven’t bumped into another Vanessa in years!
Me: Me too! High Five Vanessa!
<We high five, it seemed an appropriate way to celebrate the moment. My co-worker is looking at me like I’ve lost touch with reality.>
Me: My co-worker is Jennifer.
The other Vanessa: Hmmmm. I’m not surprised.
After the other Vanessa leaves I have to explain to Jen, what has just happened.
When you rarely meet someone with your name it’s a pretty cool moment…when you have one of the most common names for a generation you don’t have the same experience.
In Stage Four (which I’m hoping to hit by the end of the year) you are allowed one cheat day/week*
I am one week into Stage One.
I HAD to go out to dinner with the book+dinner+movie group. I picked the book! I picked the type of food! I picked the day and time!
We had Indian food. I had curry chicken (a mountain of rice, an ocean of curry sauce, half a chicken and a piece of naan bread the size of a dinner plate.)
I did *NOT* eat anything at the movie theater.
I was warned to expect a set-back.
I lost 0.3 pounds between Wed-Fri. I’m calling not gaining weight a win. WIN!
I’m back on my 2 packets of food, one snack, 4 cups of vegetable and one piece of protein diet. But I’m feeling focused (carbs I have missed you!) and ready for the month ahead….and thrilled with the promise of next month’s dinner.
*The day after cheating is back to strict eating, which diminishes the feeling of fun the day before.
EMT: We don’t check underwear, but it’s always appreciated if you are wearing it. I’ve already seen more than I want to see; please don’t add to it.
So, if you’re in an accident no one is especially concerned about the cleanliness of your underwear.
One less thing to worry about on the “If you’re in an accident…” checklist.
I hope this isn’t the only thing I learn in all day PowerPoint workshop.
I’ve lost 3.5 pounds!!!!! Yes, it’s all water but I’m not feeling too picky at this point. I’ve decided to enjoy this moment. This is the good news.
The bad news:
- The initial investment of consultation, vitamins/supplements/food makes this $85.72/pound.WTF??? Thankfully the price/pound will go down because the consultation is behind me, I buy vitamins once/month and some less frequently than that, I’ll be eating fewer packets off food i.e. 3 /day instead of 4/day.
- This taking hungry to a new level. HUNGRY!!!! I’m missing all of my favorite foods including all the thirst quenching deliciousness of various Coca-Cola products.
- The “restricted” foods that I’ve tried have all been great. I’ve thrown out several of the unrestricted foods because they were too vile to eat….which isn’t helping the hungry thing.
- A packet of food plus 200ml of water (1 cup=250 ml) doesn’t even touch the sides…which isn’t helping the hungry thing.
- I’m turning into a food obsessed nutter who can only eat her own “food” and will be saying “no thank you” to a piece of Cheryl’s going away cake.
- I’m having 8 ounces of protein and 2 cups of vegetables for my birthday dinner. I might go all out and have a restricted vegetable to celebrate. I need to save my cheat meal of the month (yes, less than a week in I’m already planning on cheating) for the book/movie group meeting. The group’s leader can’t skip the dinner. We are having Indian food and my mountain of rice, will be a mountain.
- I can’t stop thinking about food. I am currently desperate for peach pie. I have never had peach pie, but because in this stage there is no fruit or pastry, I get an empty plate and fork.
- I am tired, grouchy and hungry. This is me at my worst. The ketosis phase will be starting soon, I hope, but until then it’s suffer.
Thank god I’m telling everyone about this diet…now I have to stick with it. I just hope it keeps working.
Man: Which Germany won the World Cup?
Me: Excuse me?
Man: The big one or the little one.
<I am totally lost.>
He seems ok with the news when I tell him there’s only one Germany.
I’m not sure which surprises me more….that he didn’t know they had reunified or that we had a book old enough that there were still two.
So much for us *always* being better than the internet.